Saturday, January 31, 2009

Poems by Mark Binsted

Inside me there is so much fire, that fuels my love and hate, im either loving and caring, or angry n irate, controlled fire im soothin, comfortin n warmin, uncontrolled i reap havic n destruction, u cant stop me swarmin, iv got two voices in my head, its making me insane, one telling me to love everyone, the other to inflict pain, so sick of showin love, n getting none back, the world should suck my dick, n tounge my sack, whenever iv shown love, iv been used, for the majority of my life, iv been fukn abused, used to be full of love, always helped n gave my heart, fuk the world, uv torn it apart, people wonder why im mean, why im hard, cause im fukn, physically n emotionally scarred, I am who I am, so I can get by, at least this way, I don’t feel n don’t cry, im fukn cynical, not willing to trust, so much fire in me, Im about 2 combust, don’t like what iv become, sik of causing strife, iv had thoughts playin in my head, “marky boy take your own life”, but I aint a coward no more, n that’s the easy way out, fukn why me god, I look to the heavens n shout, for 20 fukn years, all iv felt is pain, why should I change? What can I possibly gain? my whole life, iv been maltreated, even before I could walk, I was fukn beated, ppl are telling me, to let down my defences, I know it aint the real me, just my safety pretences, inside of me somewhere, is a lovin little boy, but externally cause iv been in the ring, ima fighter like Roy, part of me wants to, let someone in, show someone love, make my n there heart sing, but is it worth the risk, of getting hurt again, but it’s a fukn sad life I live, only hurtin n pain, I keep people at bay, so they cant get 2 close aight, it’s a fukn lonely place, but I still bark n bite, I honestly believe, everyone has some dark motive, stay 3 feet away, is my motif, you can see it in my eyes, see all my anger, I use it to mask my pain, that feelings a stranger, I wanna reach out, but im 2 scared, my life lacks love, im emotionally impaired, I cant remember, bein given hugs or gifts, the most common affection I got, was belts n fists, I tell it how it is, not how it might be, ima lone wolf, fukn daily n nightly

There are many questions, does life have a meaning? What do I need to be happy? My mind is scheming. For these answers, I fukn yearn, I study I analyse, just wanna learn, I need solution, resolution, minds in revolution, causin chaos n pollution, in a state of confusion, fuck, im stuck, gots no luck, feel like a schmuck, maybe me intellectualising, is jus a form of catastrophising, that aint surprising, my mind, needs summarising, do I have a purpose? Why am I alive? I needs a plan, needs to contrive, need self acceptance, need self love, need to be pushed, need to be shoved, need encouragement, need to be affirmed, now I realise, that im quite concerned, I care about living, jus want to be happy, that 2 much 2 ask? Sik of being sappy, I no that myself, is all that I need, have 2 accept it, gotta cede, girls cash n that, all those trivial things, aint nothing of substance, that they brings, yea I understand, that there an attraction, but materialistic n intangible shit, is just a fukn distraction, want to belive it will make me happy, far from the truth, having that idealisation, its flippin uncouth. Just gotta be patient, the answers probably wont come, n the more I try, the more will b undone, just gotta accept me for me, that most likely it, if I said that’s gon b easy, im full of shit, Pandora’s box been opened, so much negative shit released, last was faith, but it aint the least

Take a chance n get 2 know me, ull c so much love in this homie, and then mayb u can show me, a reason 2 live, ill tell u something bout mark Binsted, he wakes up everyday n wishes he was dead, yeah he gots a few screw loose in his head, but give this homie a chance, u c everyday is the same, I wake up n all there is is pain, fuk its driving me insane, y do I have 2 live this way? U c im walking this path all alone, don’t think im strong enough on my own, 2 walk the right path I need 2 be shown, will u b there for me? I need you 2 be my guide, I cant do it on my own iv tried, will u walk along my side? I need some direction, u c I slipped I fell, everyday all I do is dwell, I don’t wanna live in a jail cell, that’s where ima end up, I need a shoulder to lean on, a pedestal to pray upon, this battle needs to be won, someone show me the light

I need u 2 do something, can u do a favour for me? If you can do this thing, baby you’ll set me free, take away all the hurting, all the pain, cause this homie, wants to smile again, c iv become dark n tainted, and girl if u were mine, I would light up baby, baby I would shine, so what im actually askin girl, is do u want to be with me, I want u to know girl, ill love u unconditionally, now I wanna hear u say yes baby, cause im not gonna take u sayin no or maybe, now my thoughts n feelings I just outlined, now tell me baby, whats on your mind?

Who what and why, I ask these question and look up at the sky, who am I what am I doing on earth and why, tell me god I don’t mean to pry. Why am I living if im just living to die? No response, I give a deep sigh, help me lord I just wanna cry, but if he doesn’t hear me, why should I try? Am I all alone in this fearful place? Show me a guiding hand, please your grace, lord your love I want to embrace, to you I must be a disgrace, my past I wish I could erase, my heart has become dark and it I need to replace

It’s when things go to shit you start asking yourself a question, where am I going in life this homie needs direction, wouldn’t of made it if there wasn’t so much love and affection, I need to look in the mirror and do I like the reflection? Iv gots to make up my mind who do I want to be? I needs to open my eyes cause I needs to see, what does the future have in store for me? I needs a door opened but you gots they key. Can you help me gets back of my feet? Cause on my own myself ill cheat, cause on my own myself ill deceit, with u by my side I won’t accept defeat! You no u gotta change when all u do is cry, when ur so scared you wish that u would just die, iv fuked up hard now but dont focus on why, dry eyes chin up n change do it dont just try

It’s a sad reality, a tragedy, no love for this homie, not even from his family, everytime iv opened my heart; its been slashed, smashed, fukn gashed; right open, niggers hopein, barely copin, thinkin bout ropein, but I aint gonna quit, not over this shit, but I admit, love I jus wanna embrace it, step up n face it, ill be cautious but n case it; out, I jus wanna shout, whats life about, Iv been ratted on, spatted on, foes blood been splattered on, had enough; so im walkin away, I aint gonna stay, ok! Sick n tired of this stuff, sick n tired of waklin round tough, so whats my life’s been rough, I got a low pair, I got dealt duces, new life, is what this homie chooses, no more, fukn excuses, im breakin free, do u follow me, opened my eyes now I see, you cant stop me, iv been burnt, lessons been learnt, should find love, but im bein inert, stay the fuck outta my way, unless u wanna lose ya life 2 day, enemies, ill make u pay, im blockin everything out, with anger n rage, my whole life, iv been livin on that page, I need magic, where’s my sage, I don’t like bein loco, I jus wanna let go, no need to put homies on show, I needs a good girl, n not some hoe, no more, drugs bein wracked, gots 2 get a job, n not b sacked, no more, walkin round with my glock compact, I jus wanna practise compassion, n that’s a fact, but I gets angry, n I jus react, I get mad n I holler, rob homies n take there dollar, part of me still wants to be a baller

44 comments:

  1. I love your blog-these poems are really heartfelt. I too suffer with BPD. Here is the link to my blog, if you have time to look.

    http://livinginthegray2.blogspot.com/

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  2. 經一事,長一智。經驗是良師 experience is the best teacher. ....................................................

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  3. Being lonely in a crowded room. Feeling sad and not knowing why, not being able to sleep, waking up in the morning not being able to move, giving up your life out of no choice, crying for no reason, making a demon appear in your head. Listen to its horrid world making your life spin in circles not knowing what path to take. The dead end of a road. The coffee black peice in your soul, not resting till the end of time, never leting it forget you, eating your soul, mind and heart. Try to run as you will, you life will be taken. Draging you one foot at a time into hell. The suicide you wish you could have just to end the pain. Pity when you hate others sympathy. Self hatred, sadness, anger, darkness, deadly, lonely, sorrowing, regreting, perpetual, and killing. Giving up your dreams to be stuck in the enternal force of demonic gravity. It is a world. It is my life.

    http://forbiddenregrets.blogspot.com

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  4. 以簡單的行為愉悅他人的心靈,勝過千人低頭禱告........................................

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  5. 人必須心懷希望,才會活的快樂,日子才過得充實,有意義,有朝氣,有信心。........................................

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  6. 失去金錢的人,失去很多;失去朋友的人,失去更多;失去信心的人,失去所有。......................................................

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  7. 教育的目的,不在應該思考什麼,而是教吾人怎樣思考............................................................

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  8. 認識自己,是發現妳的真性格、掌握妳的命運、創照你前程的根源。......................................................

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  9. 在莫非定律中有項笨蛋定律:「一個組織中的笨蛋,恆大於等於三分之二。」..................................................

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  10. 河水永遠是相同的,可是每一剎那又都是新的。..................................................

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