BPD Awareness's Blog

Poems by Mark Binsted

2009-01-31T07:38:00.000-08:00

Inside me there is so much fire, that fuels my love and hate, im either loving and caring, or angry n irate, controlled fire im soothin, comfortin n warmin, uncontrolled i reap havic n destruction, u cant stop me swarmin, iv got two voices in my head, its making me insane, one telling me to love everyone, the other to inflict pain, so sick of showin love, n getting none back, the world should suck my dick, n tounge my sack, whenever iv shown love, iv been used, for the majority of my life, iv been fukn abused, used to be full of love, always helped n gave my heart, fuk the world, uv torn it apart, people wonder why im mean, why im hard, cause im fukn, physically n emotionally scarred, I am who I am, so I can get by, at least this way, I don’t feel n don’t cry, im fukn cynical, not willing to trust, so much fire in me, Im about 2 combust, don’t like what iv become, sik of causing strife, iv had thoughts playin in my head, “marky boy take your own life”, but I aint a coward no more, n that’s the easy way out, fukn why me god, I look to the heavens n shout, for 20 fukn years, all iv felt is pain, why should I change? What can I possibly gain? my whole life, iv been maltreated, even before I could walk, I was fukn beated, ppl are telling me, to let down my defences, I know it aint the real me, just my safety pretences, inside of me somewhere, is a lovin little boy, but externally cause iv been in the ring, ima fighter like Roy, part of me wants to, let someone in, show someone love, make my n there heart sing, but is it worth the risk, of getting hurt again, but it’s a fukn sad life I live, only hurtin n pain, I keep people at bay, so they cant get 2 close aight, it’s a fukn lonely place, but I still bark n bite, I honestly believe, everyone has some dark motive, stay 3 feet away, is my motif, you can see it in my eyes, see all my anger, I use it to mask my pain, that feelings a stranger, I wanna reach out, but im 2 scared, my life lacks love, im emotionally impaired, I cant remember, bein given hugs or gifts, the most common affection I got, was belts n fists, I tell it how it is, not how it might be, ima lone wolf, fukn daily n nightly

There are many questions, does life have a meaning? What do I need to be happy? My mind is scheming. For these answers, I fukn yearn, I study I analyse, just wanna learn, I need solution, resolution, minds in revolution, causin chaos n pollution, in a state of confusion, fuck, im stuck, gots no luck, feel like a schmuck, maybe me intellectualising, is jus a form of catastrophising, that aint surprising, my mind, needs summarising, do I have a purpose? Why am I alive? I needs a plan, needs to contrive, need self acceptance, need self love, need to be pushed, need to be shoved, need encouragement, need to be affirmed, now I realise, that im quite concerned, I care about living, jus want to be happy, that 2 much 2 ask? Sik of being sappy, I no that myself, is all that I need, have 2 accept it, gotta cede, girls cash n that, all those trivial things, aint nothing of substance, that they brings, yea I understand, that there an attraction, but materialistic n intangible shit, is just a fukn distraction, want to belive it will make me happy, far from the truth, having that idealisation, its flippin uncouth. Just gotta be patient, the answers probably wont come, n the more I try, the more will b undone, just gotta accept me for me, that most likely it, if I said that’s gon b easy, im full of shit, Pandora’s box been opened, so much negative shit released, last was faith, but it aint the least

Take a chance n get 2 know me, ull c so much love in this homie, and then mayb u can show me, a reason 2 live, ill tell u something bout mark Binsted, he wakes up everyday n wishes he was dead, yeah he gots a few screw loose in his head, but give this homie a chance, u c everyday is the same, I wake up n all there is is pain, fuk its driving me insane, y do I have 2 live this way? U c im walking this path all alone, don’t think im strong enough on my own, 2 walk the right path I need 2 be shown, will u b there for me? I need you 2 be my guide, I cant do it on my own iv tried, will u walk along my side? I need some direction, u c I slipped I fell, everyday all I do is dwell, I don’t wanna live in a jail cell, that’s where ima end up, I need a shoulder to lean on, a pedestal to pray upon, this battle needs to be won, someone show me the light

I need u 2 do something, can u do a favour for me? If you can do this thing, baby you’ll set me free, take away all the hurting, all the pain, cause this homie, wants to smile again, c iv become dark n tainted, and girl if u were mine, I would light up baby, baby I would shine, so what im actually askin girl, is do u want to be with me, I want u to know girl, ill love u unconditionally, now I wanna hear u say yes baby, cause im not gonna take u sayin no or maybe, now my thoughts n feelings I just outlined, now tell me baby, whats on your mind?

Who what and why, I ask these question and look up at the sky, who am I what am I doing on earth and why, tell me god I don’t mean to pry. Why am I living if im just living to die? No response, I give a deep sigh, help me lord I just wanna cry, but if he doesn’t hear me, why should I try? Am I all alone in this fearful place? Show me a guiding hand, please your grace, lord your love I want to embrace, to you I must be a disgrace, my past I wish I could erase, my heart has become dark and it I need to replace

It’s when things go to shit you start asking yourself a question, where am I going in life this homie needs direction, wouldn’t of made it if there wasn’t so much love and affection, I need to look in the mirror and do I like the reflection? Iv gots to make up my mind who do I want to be? I needs to open my eyes cause I needs to see, what does the future have in store for me? I needs a door opened but you gots they key. Can you help me gets back of my feet? Cause on my own myself ill cheat, cause on my own myself ill deceit, with u by my side I won’t accept defeat! You no u gotta change when all u do is cry, when ur so scared you wish that u would just die, iv fuked up hard now but dont focus on why, dry eyes chin up n change do it dont just try

It’s a sad reality, a tragedy, no love for this homie, not even from his family, everytime iv opened my heart; its been slashed, smashed, fukn gashed; right open, niggers hopein, barely copin, thinkin bout ropein, but I aint gonna quit, not over this shit, but I admit, love I jus wanna embrace it, step up n face it, ill be cautious but n case it; out, I jus wanna shout, whats life about, Iv been ratted on, spatted on, foes blood been splattered on, had enough; so im walkin away, I aint gonna stay, ok! Sick n tired of this stuff, sick n tired of waklin round tough, so whats my life’s been rough, I got a low pair, I got dealt duces, new life, is what this homie chooses, no more, fukn excuses, im breakin free, do u follow me, opened my eyes now I see, you cant stop me, iv been burnt, lessons been learnt, should find love, but im bein inert, stay the fuck outta my way, unless u wanna lose ya life 2 day, enemies, ill make u pay, im blockin everything out, with anger n rage, my whole life, iv been livin on that page, I need magic, where’s my sage, I don’t like bein loco, I jus wanna let go, no need to put homies on show, I needs a good girl, n not some hoe, no more, drugs bein wracked, gots 2 get a job, n not b sacked, no more, walkin round with my glock compact, I jus wanna practise compassion, n that’s a fact, but I gets angry, n I jus react, I get mad n I holler, rob homies n take there dollar, part of me still wants to be a baller

A Crimson Climax by Alain Ortega

2009-01-31T07:30:00.000-08:00

The climax of my story
At the height of it all
I wonder what I'm still doing here
Why am I waiting just to fall?

Ive never been certain of what drives me
Ive never been certain of who I want to be
Ive never been certain of much
But what I know is what I need

Ive lost many people I love
Ive run from those who care
But here I am still moving on
Not really knowing what is there

Dye me crimson
Cover me in blood
I'm still moving on
Still thinking I'll never be gone

The climax of my story
Too many things run through my head
Why am I still here while those I love, some are dead
At the height of it all here I am still waiting, waiting just to fall

I was told life is a circle
I wrote about it
I was told life never makes sense
I thought about it

Its really true though
Life won't make sense
Almost like this poem
In my head it won't ever rest

I'll go over and over
Not knowing how I strayed
It annoys me
And still it will never change

Things are done for a reason
God makes it that way
He shows us what's wrong
But lets us make the mistakes

So at the climax of my story
Still here I stand
Not knowing what to do
Not knowing who I am

Dizzy From My Words by Alexandra Ortegon

2009-01-29T05:26:00.001-08:00

Miserable last haven trips
Slowly valuable life died
Laughs gravely heard
Unfair long loves fell like haze
Old dreaded fears reemerge
Fifteen days of passion gone
Faster than a lit cigarette left alone in the raging wind
They say stability is not your style
Yet with your beautiful mind and dark addictions you don’t care
The sound of dying
The fear of trusting reality
It’s a playground of death and despair
In the depths of my personal hell
While purple glitter multi-colored tears run down her face
Following a candy coated smile
They live in a bright dark happy sad emotional place
Aching pain and bloody tears
Memories dangling like razors tearing my flesh
Lies spill from your tongue like venom
That I happily drink up
Like a puppet doll wrapped in unbreakable string
You are the actor and I am your stage
So take your bow and walk away

As If by Alexandra Ortegon

2009-01-29T05:25:00.001-08:00

You write of souls...
As if you had one
As if it did not run away
As if one consumed that empty body of yours

You write of minds...
As if yours was not lost
As if you’ve had it all along
As if it were not so far as to not be reached

You write of tears...
As if yours flowed clear
As if the metal in your hand had not forced them out
As if you knew how to let them flow

You write of love...
As if you had experience
As if you ever fell into the vortex of its fakeness
As if you were ever that happy

You write of hate...
As if you never felt it
As if no one hurt you
As if you never wanted to kill them

You write of sex...
As if you enjoy it
As if were never taken from you
As if you were not scared of it

You write of demons...
As if you have none
As if they don’t haunt you mercilessly
As if they didn’t keep you awake at night

You write of hope...
As if it exists
As if you had not lost it
As if it were still out there somewhere

by Alexandra Ortegon

2009-01-29T05:24:00.000-08:00

Rip out the wings of a butterfly...
A momentary happiness
Spawned by weakness
Slowly hope lets go and becomes extinct
Leaving me behind while I turn into dust
As I sit and stare unaware hiding behind walls of sorrow
In enchanted forests full of fairies and butterfly wings
In the sea of devils angels still remain
Making teddy bear memories
With words like violence
My confidence fades within a fallen dream
Behind your illusion
Forever and a day
Faceless shadows
Frozen in time
They are pieces of yesterday
And I'm not afraid to dream under your wing
My thoughts return to when I knew myself
Into wonderland and forgotten fairytales
Before my innocence was stolen
But in time angels lose their wings
Between whispers and dreams
The loneliness sets in
And in that moment of weakness I almost told…

Stuck in an Hourglass by Lauren Leigh

2009-01-29T05:04:00.001-08:00

tumbling down
slowly slipping
falling
just when i get back up
just when my luck has turned around,
i fall back down again
i can't escape this cycle
rising up, then falling down
i never seen to win
this vicious cycle is not for the weak
only the strong survive
i could stay like this forever,
but i don't want to
i want to break free

i slowly slip back in time
to the way things used to be,
but it makes it hurt even more
tumbling and stumbling through time,
not knowing which is up or down
tormented by the past
until i finally land
once again inside the hourglass
tossing and turning with grains of sand
an unpleasant mixture
of wounds and sand
as time goes on, cut cuts grow deeper
turning and turning and turning and turning...

Tears by Lauren Leigh

2009-01-29T05:03:00.001-08:00

t falls like rain
drops at a time
falling
dropping down
rain with a reason

the cloud let loose
but not all at once
a drop at a time
is enough
too many could
cause a flood

she doesn't want people
to see the rain
using her hand
to destroy it
but it's not use
the rain still falls
slowly
a single drop
following
a single drop

No Understanding by Lauren Leigh

2009-01-29T05:02:00.001-08:00

Laughing on the outside,
Aching on the inside.
Understanding is hard when
Really good friends have no idea about
Everything that you're going through.
Nothing is as hard as
Crying all the time,
Openly pretending that you're fine,
Never telling the truth because
No one will understand;
Only you can
Really understand what you're going through

Living in a Dream by Lauren Leigh

2009-01-29T05:00:00.000-08:00

i do not live in reality
i live in my head
the only place i can trust
i create my own reality
no one understands
i hate the outside world
full of lies and deceit
if i stay up here, nothing can harm me
i dream of happiness and love
the things i need in life
are plentiful in my dreams
but are lacking in the real world
a place filled with bubbles
and love and joy
fields of green grass and flowers
a world where nothing dark exists

Pretend by Lauren Leigh

2009-01-29T04:59:00.002-08:00

Red paint on my body;
pretend it's blood.
How do you feel now?
Please pretend that you still care...

I pretend to bleed,
trying to squeeze some emotion out of your cold,
frozen heart.
I feel like a dirty whore,
the things you make me do.
No shame,
no compassion,
no feeling.
All for you, none for me.
It's always the same.
Please pretend that you still care...

My mind burns with the things I've seen,
things I've done.
No one talks to me anymore,
no one left to care.
I'm on my own.
I always have been.
If only you'd pretend that you still care...

Heart by Lauren Leigh

2009-01-29T04:59:00.001-08:00

Do hearts have eyes?
Do they see what we can not?
My heart is blind.
What is a heart,
but an organ?
It pumps blood, nothing else, no feeling...
then why does my heart cry?
A conscious self-loathing,
a self-destructive nature,
a threat to myself.
My own worst enemy.
Why do I follow my heart
when all it does is lead me off of cliffs?
It can not be trusted.
Trusted once, never again.
It takes over my mind, leading to confusion.
Mentally, I carve it out,
remove it from my chest.
Follow your heart or follow your head?
Either way, you'll wind up dead.

Train Tracks of My Life by Lauren Leigh

2009-01-29T04:58:00.002-08:00

Swiftly covering frozen ground,
you leave tracks around my heart;
crossing the train tracks of my life.
Paint my heart red; now it's black.
Black like death,
black like decay,
like burning ashes of my tortured mind.
Don't touch me, it will burn you.
I'm going where I've never gone before,
into the dark abyss of my mind;
I'll never come out alive.
I'll creep out like a strangled creature.
I am lonely, living inside of myself.
That is my world. now.
It already hurts;
just use me again.

Angry Rose by Lauren Leigh

2009-01-29T04:58:00.001-08:00

Terror is as terror does;
an angry rose has many thorns.
Don't rub me the wrong way.
Your skin will break and I'll feel your blood;
thorns cut flesh.

Take me tonight,
don't make everything all right.

Tie me up, these bonds can break.
Rules can break,
fools can break.
Bonds broken by fools.
My poison rushes through your veins,
there's no escape.
Cut me once;
I've lost all feeling.
Rub me the wrong way,
it has no meaning.

Take me tonight,
don't make everything all right.

Tie me up,
leave me to die,
I'll use my own poison against me.
The poison wasn't you,
it was me.

Bonds can break, but poison flows forever.

Crash by Lauren Leigh

2009-01-29T04:57:00.000-08:00

As I crash through the wooden gates of your mind,
I see what you've been hiding;
secret feelings locked away
behind forbidden walls.
My anger flares up like a fire.
Your unkind truths cut me like a knife.

Hold me now,
leave me now,
abuse me now.

Sometimes I wish that I could go away
and leave the past behind.
I have a splinter in my hand.
I can't get it out,
it grows deeper in my skin.

Hold me now,
leave me now,
abuse me now.

My confusion is aimed in your direction;
pull the trigger and it will explode.
Make me, don't break me,
I just want to be loved.
This pain is so fucking real,
I'd feel it if I wasn't numb.
Treat me like a toy,
leave me broken on the ground.
It's easier to make cuts than to heal them.

Hold me now,
leave me now,
abuse me now.

Love me or hate me,
it's all the same.

2009-01-29T04:55:00.001-08:00

Invisible, corrupt, closed off, dirty, depressed
...alone...
Words whisper in my ear. I wake in a cold sweat; shivering from the disembodied voice whispering to me.
Like echoes from the past, whispers of the future:
You're weak, evil, two-faced, a slut, cold, worthless, difficult, an inanimate object, in the way, just there, emotionless...
alone.
Pent up emotions slowly building up and left alone to cower in fear of your thoughts.
Time to curl in a bawl as dry tears stream down your delicate face.
Memories from a tortured and torn past flash in your eyes.
Reach out for a hand, a shoulder or a body to calm you;
but all you know is a voice whispering harshly to you.

My Child by Doodles

2009-01-28T11:34:00.001-08:00

The black is endless.
The sunlight, a forgotten friend.
Lost in a chasm so deep,
the echoes of the anguished wails provide the only hint of what was.

Innocence lies a lifetime away.
The wonder of a leaf's intricacies.
The exuberance of lightning bugs aglow on a Summer's eve.
Gone now, blown to the heavens by the ebony storm clouds
that descended and blanketed a realm of endless imaginings.

The wailings never cease,
the anguish insatiable in its hunger.
How is a child to understand?
A mind so simple, so tortured.

There are lessons to be learned.
There is Karma to be repaired.
There is a way to the universe
that reveals a method to the madness.

But a child's eyes don't see a loving God
when drowned in darkness.
They only ask why,
a single word between the wails,
swallowed up, one and all,
by the eternal dark

Borderline Personality Disorder by Sandi

2009-01-28T10:21:00.000-08:00

I don't want to be this girl or to still push you away.

But everything inside is swearing you won't stay.

I don't want to act like this.
I don't want to let you go.
But sometimes get lost-
And its the only way I know.

So even with the meds.
That are running through my veins its hard to see the sunshine.
When all around it rains.
And this sickness I hold has become a part of me
I don't mean to be a bitch...
But I'm only bpd

Out of the Darkness by Lauren Leigh

2009-01-28T09:39:00.000-08:00

Out of the darkness
In leaps and bounds
I finally reach the sunny side
of the world

Out of the darkness
I finally see again
The laughter and hope
that I'd seen before

Out of the darkness
and out of the clouds
I can now spread my wings
And fly away

Out of the darkness
This feeling is so great
I hope I never return
to the darkness
because I am finally

Out of the darkness

The Sun Was Out Today by Carrie

2009-01-28T09:38:00.000-08:00

The sun was out today.

With overcast clouds scattered all around
And a chance of rain could easily be found
The sun would peek out to those on the ground
And make me stop and smile

The sun was out today

Despite a sky of misery and gloom
With certain traces of impending doom
The glimpsing sun would shine and I'd begin to swoon
And think about what can be.

The sun was out today.

While others saw an ugly and unwelcoming sky
I stood outside and could not understand why
When I found it so beautiful watching the birds glide and fly
On this beautiful autumn morn.

The sun was out today.

With the occasional peek of the warming sun
I was filled with emotions that have just begun
To help me understand that I may just be the one
Shining my own warm light

The sun was out today…

And it showed me the happiness to be found.

Lost in the Wind by Karen Martin

2009-01-28T07:02:00.001-08:00

You were so charming in the beginning,

I had no idea how you would harm me in the end.

You caused me so much pain,

You tried to make me go insane.

You once said you saw me as an object, not a person.

What was the purpose? I am a person.

You kept me locked in a cage, away from the world,

You had so much rage within, I just wanted it to end.

You put me in a box until it was time to play,

You always thought I'd stay, but I finally got away.

Away from all of your games and all of the pain.

You did not win in the end.

You now just a memory lost in the wind,

Never to return again.

The clouds have since cleared and the rain has ended.

I've have found my home, where I belong.